wind.

I was standing outside at work the other day and it was cold. I was super cold. Which is refreshing. I would always rather be cold than hot.

It was cloudy and gray so I was feeling most comfortable. Not to mention the screams and laughs of all my little second graders playing, it was music for the moment. Kids playing is music I think. So much joy, so raw, they don't have a care in the world and that is a beautiful song.

While standing there all bundled up, really counting the minute until I could go in a warm up, the wind blew. And yes I know it does that. But it sounded different. My coat zipped up tight and my body beginning to shiver, it rushed over me and that sound. I don't know what it was, but it stopped me.

You know in the summer the wind is playful and energetic. I love when it blows and moves my hair, reminding us of the playful season. To be free and let go of things.

The wind sounds different now. It is almost warning us to bundle up and prepare to be comfortable inside, chilling you to the very core of your being. It's closer, less wide open than summer wind.

I felt it the other day. Change. I think change is coming. Just like the wind changes so does our lives. Things were so stagnant for a bit of time for me. And now life is ever flowing, always changing. I don't know what to expect, nor do I want to know. I've never really liked surprises before, but I do right now.

Bring on the wind....just not too much. I like to keep my hair in order.:)

me too.

I think those are to of the most comforting, encouraging words to hear. To know your aren't alone. To know someone feels the same or has done the same or wants the same as you.

me too.

can't sleep.

I can't sleep. It's 3:30 a.m. and I have been awake for almost 22 hours. That is one long day.

I don't know what the deal is. Well, I do. My mind won't slow down tonight. I guess I could take a little something to help me sleep, but after sleeping last night without "drugs" for the first time in a few years, I feel a bit free. And don't want to turn back.

So here I am. I have no point, nothing in mind to write about. I haven't lately. I either feel totally uninspired or it is too much. More often than not it is too much, to raw, things that just don't need to leave my silly mind and making it into the crazy world of blogs.

Everything is so much right now. I can't explain. Or maybe it is so much cause I have been awake for so long....

time.

Ever notice that we all have that clock in our lives that rule our days? There are several for me...But really they are everywhere. It drives me crazy. Especially on days that I can't stop looking at it, wishing time would move faster so I can move onto something else. Those are the days time moves the slowest. Glancing at that damn clock every ten minutes, if not less, creates the most aching, anxious feeling one could ever experience I think.



In August I went through a bit of time of trying new medications for my migraine problem. In the midst of this trial and error process I had a reaction to one of the medications I had tried. Showering early one morning I nearly passed out, or perhaps I did, cause after the flashing lights and blacking out I found myself lying on the bathroom floor, feet up on the toilet, soap still in my hair. All I can remember during this episode was me repeating to myself and praying "don't die. Lord please don't let me die like this, not now. please".



I realized after thinking through that I realize how frail our lives are. So precious really. We don't know when our time ends or how out of control we are over that. I read recently that the same God who gives us every breath, can take it away just as easily as He gives it. Holy cow. Think about that one. How precious our time here is. And how often do we find ourselves wishing minutes, hours, days, and weeks way?



In recent days I have found myself wishing time away more and more. To the point of doing whatever I can to just push through a day to get to the next, cause somewhere in my mind that makes everything go faster. I want to jump ahead so bad. I want this time to come or that time to come, or this to happen or that. And I realize in doing that I lost time. Here and now are important. I need to live today to take in every lesson, have every conversation that needs to be had, to come in contact with all God intends me to, and have the time He needs me to go through before everything else.

"she broke down the other day you know. some things in life may change, but some things they stay the same, like time. there's always time on my mind so pass me by I'll be fine just give me time" (older chests by damien rice)

Time. There's always time. There is a time for everything, for every activity under the sun. I can't make time go any faster. It is what it is, but how I live that effects it. Christ came to give me life to live to the fullest. I want to take it in. Love every moment, even the ones I hate, cause someday I may miss those times.

closing in.

My world is so much smaller today. The gray weather is just what I needed. I feel at peace and calm. Like nothing is too big or beyond what I can handle. My mind has slowed down with the laziness of my day.

Things are clearer today. Nothing makes anymore sense and I don't have any answers. But in all honesty I don't want answers or for everything in my life to make sense. The mystery of it all is fun and exciting. I just needed my world to be smaller, so I can enjoy today and what's here and now.

God is so good to have sent the clouds and rain in today.

overwhelmed.

Today is my first official day of "fall break" with school.
I have been thinking about nothing lately. My mind can't even function outside of my routine or what is happening at that moment. After having 24 hours to myself, no work, very little human contact, some sleep, I'm totally overwhelmed. I can't stop my mind. I could barely sleep due to the amount of thoughts and thinking and rethinking things.

I'm so overwhelmed with myself today. I think I could throw up. I have so many questions and want so much. But I'm not at all discontent. I don't think I have ever felt this way. And I don't think I like it. But I don't think I can change it. A good cry may benefit me. But I have to much joy in my life to shed tears. I can't even muster up enough to cry.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

inspired.

I have had an inspiration problem lately. I guess nothing has provoked me. And not just for writing, I mean inspiration in life in general. No I'm not depressed. I don't know how to explain this feeling. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I have realized a few things.

I was at Starbucks today (surprise, surprise) waiting patiently in line. I had just gotten off work for fall break (10 days of life outside of the norm. yes!) and decided a coffee would be nice to really kick things off. An older couple was in line ahead of me and the husband was having a hard time deciding what he wanted. In the midst of this a friendly (or perhaps fake friendly, totally annoyed, yet still friendly) barista asked what I would like. Well, due to my Starbucks habit lately I was just getting drip. She got it for me ahead of the older couple, due to this mans still indecisiveness. At that point the older man looks at the barista and tells her that he will be taking care of my coffee. I told him he didn't have to do that, but he insisted. I thanked him and when on with my afternoon.

Wonderful I tell you. That made my day (well a lot of things have made or will make my day today, but it added to the joy). I have no idea who that man was, but he loved me. And I don't mean anything by that, but he showed love, perhaps the love of Christ.

Can't we all love like a little more? Is that how we can make a difference, change the world?