decided.

I was having coffee with a friend the other day and we talked about writing briefly. She is an incredible writer, with an incredible journey. When she writes she takes you to where she is and through every emotion she feels when there. I never begin to read any of her stuff without a tissue box near.

She asked if I like to write. Yes was my answer, but.....I decided. One must be slightly insane to write well. Good writing, I think, comes when a ton of time is spent alone and you are terribly lost in your thoughts. To the point of feeling slightly insane.

I haven't had too much time alone lately. And when you have people to share the insane ideas/thoughts with it's hard to want to write.
That is a good thing for me right now.

playlist.

I was driving the other day, I can't remember where I was going. But I was enjoying a great cd mix (kudos to megan for making great mixes!), so many great songs and several that I will listen to over and over.

Music is one of the best thought provokers I think. Just listening to the words or the sounds of the music is enough to make my mind go crazy. I love that.

We associate songs or artists or playlists with different times in our lives or certain people. I have a playlist titled "songs that make me think of you", I don't know what it is about those songs that make me think of "you" but it does. And I can't make it fit for anyone else even if "you" aren't apart of my life anymore. "Chill Me" was made for this fall. "Closing In" was made for this winter and I don't think it is complete just yet. "beginning to fall" (cause you can fall into a lot of things) has been the best lately. Augustana and Rogue Waves latest will always remind me of last summer. One Republic's album will always make me think of you and that time last year that I wasn't working. Jason Mraz will always remind me of high school and Guster and Dashboard will always make me think of that time right after I graduated. I could go on, but I think you get it.

It's crazy to me the way we associate these things. But in the same breath I love it. It's awesome to me that we can take that "trip down memory lane" just by changing the playlist.

I wonder what playlist this season will create. But I love that I will be able to come back to it with a playlist.

mess.

I'm a bit of a mess this week. It has been a tough one with high points for sure. But tough. I can't even really get my thoughts together to post something clever or whatever. But soon. Ideas are growing. I just need time to think for a little while...

incredible.

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' up Tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles, Chasin' up Tails
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start."

(the scientist by coldplay)

Incredible song. I love it.

new.

I can't believe it has taken me 10 days into the new year to get on here again. Life has been too busy. I don't always want to be on here (the computer in general). Although sometimes I do.:)

I think life is going to just keep changing this year. That is what I see ahead. It is fun to think back on the last little bit of life and see how things change so quickly. Somethings just get better with time, others become harder. I wonder whats ahead, but won't plan a thing. I just have to flow with it, one day at a time.

"we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail, they are new every morning..."

"love is a poor mans food..."

can't believe.

I can't believe this year is over. It is so much to digest. It was a good year. One I think that will always be dear to me. I experienced a lot and went through so much. But holy cow it was all worth it.

I love the time I had at the beginning of this year without a job. It was hard to not be working, but I had so much time to figure "me" out. I think I had a breakdown every few days. I don't think I have cried that much in a really long time. I felt so vulnerable and broken. Like I was standing naked in front of a crowd. I had no idea how I was going to pay the bills or make it to my next little bit of work. But it cause me to trust and really let that free spirited side of me "fly" and not know what was going to happen. That was a reason for joy or to get me to the next day.

The summer was full of unexpectedness. It was just different and nothing I could have planned. I had a lot of play time in the midst of a small job to get me through. I can't even really put it to words. So much was going on it was so much to process, but none of it caused tears or chaos, like the months before. In fact I don't think I cried all summer. I couldn't I was numb, in the most feeling of ways, and tears weren't the way to process. I just went with it, knowing what I was getting myself into. By the end of summer I was walking in to a job I had wanted for a bit, but the timing was just now right.

I can't believe it is now the last day of the year. The fall and early winter flew. I feel into a routine fast and life was full of adventures. I don't understand beyond the grace of God how so much hate could grow into something mostly opposite.

I can't wait for the year to come. This year was a turning point. 2009 will be an adventure that I can't begin to plan. I don't totally know what life holds, but would it be any fun if I did? I can't wait. I'm ready to take it on.
Happy New Year!

words.

I love words. In every form. I love reading. I especially love song lyrics and the beauty of words is put to music. I need words, that is how I know you care. I need to hear it and see it written down. And that is how I want you to know I care, through my words.

Thinking back on my life over the last several years what I can recall the most is words. Conversations. Some of them so uplifting, life changing really. Others make me wonder if I will ever be able to forget the horrible things said, the amount of tears and self doubt they caused.

I want to change my words. I want to encourage more. I hesitate so much for fear of confrontation or what will be thought about me, so I just keep it all in. I hate that.

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive"
(jason mraz "you and I both")