people.

I have felt rather uninspired lately. My thoughts all a mess, totally out of sorts for me. Wednesday was a turning point for me. I don't know if it was a big one, but I'm thinking just a smidge clearer. Enough to let my thoughts out...

There is a small group that meets at my families house every Wednesday night. We have been meeting for a little over a year, studying 1 Peter. We actually made it through 1 Peter at our one year mark and just started 2 Peter. We dive in deep and pull everything that we can apart, and wrestle with what it means and how it applies to our lives. Yes the study has been amazing. But what I have taken for granted was the people.

We are a very random group of people, the youngest being 19ish and the the oldest probably 60ish. We have very little in common, but the fact that we all want to know God better and let His Word transform our lives. But that is enough for us to keep meeting and enjoy each others company.

I don't know what hit me the other night in the middle of study, but I was sent into a giggle fit. I laughed hard and was full of sass. Which I don't always show this side of me when we meet. (In fact several comments were made with people wanting to know if I was ok.) I can't even explained what happened, but as we sat there and discussed some amazing verses I realized that each of us come with a purpose and make up this small body in our living room. I felt like I had a purpose to be there the other night. My guard had been let down and I was able to be me. Silly, sassy, and serious. Why did I hold back so long?

It hit me yesterday how important it is to have people in your life that you can be yourself around. I don't want to have my guard up all the time. What was or am I afraid of to guard myself the way have been? What are you afraid of to keep your guard up the way you do? What makes you/me hold back? Who makes you/me put our guard up?

I could go so many places trying to answers those questions, but what I'm finding more important, is just letting loose. I want to be me. And I want you to be you. No masks. Just people being real. I love that I have those relationships where I can laugh and be silly or be vulnerable with. It makes me more of a person to have those people in my life...if that makes sense. I love that I have people in my life that push me to be more than I thought I could be or to step out of my comfort zone. I love that there are people in my life that ask me the hard questions or even better really listen to my answers. I love that I have a cheer squad, people standing behind me cheering me all the way, even when I fall. I love that I have people in my life that I know have my back covered no matter what. I know I could call them for anything and they would be there. I love and I'm thankful beyond words, that I have people in my life like this, because it inspires me to take action and be that for them.

random.

I have had a really rough time thinking clearly the last week or so. My mind has been all over, not one thing has stuck in my head for very long. Which is kinda a nice break. But I miss that...Perhaps soon you will get something worth reading on here, but for this afternoon, my randomness.

• I have had one CD in for over a week now. I can't stop listening to it. I consider changing it, but even that makes me miss it. So I'll keep listening until I really can't stand it. Ever go through phases like that? I have even done it with one song...
• To make that more random, Damien Rice is the only thing I really want to be listening to, but that isn't the cd I have had in. His lyrics seem to be the only ones "meaningful" enough for my random deep thoughts this week.
• Yoga does make me feel partly like a hippy. But it also makes me realize how strong I am. And I am strong. Strong than I knew.
• Words can change your world. Maybe that's why Damien is so amazing this week. I love the words. But not just the lyric kind of words. I mean the everyday stuff. The words spoken that stick with you, good or bad. I'm dealing with some old bad ones and wonder if the person who spoke them has any amount of remorse. I doubt it, in fact I almost know it. Which makes it harder to unpack.
• I'm over excited for the next season of the Amazing Race to begin. I mean I mostly feel like a dork because I'm so excited. I decided it is because I love to live vicariously through these people racing for an hour every week. I want to race around the world! And perhaps my life doesn't have enough adventure, so I find it on the Race for now.

Enough said for now...I hope this didn't totally bore you and you decide to come back. But this is all I could muster up for your reading pleasure today.

The Way I See It....Starbucks Style.

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occation, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no"-they may not be smart enough to say "yes."

-Keith Olbermann
Broadcast journalist and host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann

grow me.

I love this time of year. There is something in the air that just warms my spirit. I love the cloudier days and the closeness you feel as the cool days of fall will soon bring snow. I love the change in the environment, it makes me desire change or maybe I just desire to settle into a fall routine, leaving the business of summer behind. One thing you can see change in the fall is the leaves. There is almost nothing quite as beautiful as the warm tones in the leaves. Bright yellows, vibrant reds, and deep oranges that you can't help but touch. And the sound of crackling leaves beneath your feet is a sweet reminder that winter is near.

I love looking at trees, all year really. Always growing, always changing in some way. So firm and strong. Providing shade in the summer, beautiful colors in the fall, empty branches perfect for Christmas lights in the winter, and sweet blossoms in the spring. What's not to love about trees? I want to be a tree.

I was thumbing through my almost complete journal last night. I landed at my first entry, which was last spring and then to a year ago today, before turning to the last few pages I have written.

"I think I'm on the brink of a new chapter...This one seems to be lingering, yet again nothing like I thought it would be....And now as spring is in full swing-even with our spring snow- I see change. I'm not gonna lie I'm scared for this chapter. My direction is changing and I have no clue where. Which is good because if I knew I would be to comfortable-and I'm sure God has a lesson for me....The point in it being-I trust God and I trust His plan. He knows me better than I know myself-I would be a fool not to follow. Steadfast I will strive to be and continuing on His path I will go. Making the most of every opportunity." (spring 07)

I hit a major low about a year ago. Too much of my life had slipped through the cracks. I was discontent, hurt, confused, and felt no one in the world would be there for me. It's funny how much your life can change in 6 months. I had to hit that low to get to a lower low this spring. I left my long time job and worked odd jobs for about 3 months. I didn't know who I was anymore nor did I like the person I had become. I just wanted time and it was the best. A time I will cherish for the rest of my life. Crying was my favorite past time, cause I didn't know what else to do. I had to let out all I held in. But in that I was able to dig deeper into myself to find a strength I never knew I had and I was able to really crawl to the feet of my Savior to fill whatever void in my life.

At the beginning of the summer I got my first tattoo. "Statheros"- which is Greek for steadfast on the top of my foot. For a few years that is what I feel God was calling me to-remaining steadfast, unswerving, coherent, firm, steady. And I wanted to mark that calling on my body. So that reminder is as close as my skin. I have no excuse that I "forgot", cause every time I look down I see that. "Steadfast", I remind myself, and quietly pray often.

I can't believe how much my life has changed yet again in the last six months. I feel like everything has changed, some of it unexpectedly, which I wrote about before. But the one thing remaining is the growth. I want to be like a tree. Always growing, always changing, but firm.
With Christ as my soil and my feet as the roots; I want to run as to get the prize.

out of sorts.

Do you ever have days like that? Where you just feel out of sorts, not yourself, like a stranger in your own body. Or maybe like you are on the outside watching life like a movie.

That was my day yesterday. I can't explain it. But I hate looking back at it. I'm glad it's behind me. It wasn't bad, nothing was wrong with the day. It was me. Not in a bad mood. Not in a good mood. Tired, but not sleepy. Not discontent, but not content either. I don't have days like this often, but I hate when they come.

I was blessed to see the rain and fog today. I needed some part of my world to close in on me, so I didn't feel so vulnerable. I almost hate sunny days, cause my ADHD spirit can't handle the wide openness of it. I wished for the sun to not come out this afternoon, as it began to peak through the clouds for a bit. I don't say that in a depressed manner, gray days are simply the best.

I woke up this morning to some amount of a reality check, like I was back on earth after yesterday. As much as I hated it, I understand more about myself today.. And shouldn't we all be thankful for understanding? Maybe I wouldn't have learned what I did if I wouldn't have felt so out of sorts and uncomfortable yesterday. What I understand more today:

• Honesty is the best policy. I couldn't live any other way. I want to know and I want to be able to say without fear.
• I have a naturally restless spirit, so I need to take time to make myself sit.
• Staying up late is always worth the conversation.
• Laundry on Thursday nights makes for a chill Friday.
• Packing a lunch is my least favorite thing currently.
• New music is my motivation.
• "The Way I See It" on Starbucks cups inspires or provokes me.
• Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.

just a thought.

This quote was on "the morning news" at work today and I enjoyed enough to share.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Oliver Wendell