long time. long story. new year.

Oh my Readers!!! You have probably forgotten all about this blog o'mine. And this very blog will probably not be read due to the long time it has been since I wrote last and has probably been dropped out of your "check daily list". My apologies. But not really.

I have thought about getting on here several times, but the busyness of life has kept me from getting on. Which I suppose is how it was intended to be. I was and still am living in the moment. And not taking time to document it. Although this has been a year to document, it is all engraved in my mind and heart and will forever change the route of my life from here on out.

At a glance this has been one of the most amazing years. Last New Years at midnight my boy pulled me away from the crowd we were with and told me he thought it was going to be an amazing year for us and that he was excited. Boy oh boy was he right.:)

We went on our first date on February 2nd.
He asked me to be his girlfriend on March 5th.
He kissed me for the first time on March 6th.
He told me he loved me on March 26th.
He asked me to be his wife on November 17th.
And in March of 2010 I will commit the rest of my life to my best friend.

Oh the bliss...:D *sigh*

I think all it took was love to make this a wonderful year. I am crazy in love with I think the most amazing man. I couldn't be happier and wouldn't change a thing. He made my year wonderful. And he will make the next year wonderful.

It really has been a great year. I would do it over if I had too. In fact I pray years from now if/when the boy and I have a rough day or week or month that we will be reminded of this time. The time that we were crazy in love.

There is so much to take away from this year. So many memories.
And so much to come in the year ahead.

Happy New Year!

older.

It's my birthday today. I guess I feel a bit older. hehe....but really today marks one great year of my life...in fact I think one of the best.

A year ago today I bought a car on my own. My parents were camping and they had been looking at cars with me. But when it came down to it I took care of the details and purchased "the x".

A year ago today I accepted a full time job, that I thought was going to be part time when I was originally hired. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the kiddos. And I have to say the schedule is a perk that I love.

A year ago today I turned down an offer to go out from a guy I kinda liked, because a boy who had been in my life before came back around and suddenly that offer didn't look so good. That was the best decision I could have made. I would have never guessed that the boy would turn into my best friend and my favorite. I'm crazy about him today and that will never change.:)

I feel excited today. I think there is a lot of exciting things in store for me and this chapter of my life. I can't wait to see what the next year holds!

You will never believe what I did Saturday.....

I purchased Chacos. I told myself I would NEVER wear Chacos, too much of a Colorado trend and not enough fashion for me. I went shopping with my Mom for her "birthday Chacos" and was quickly convinced, by non-other than me, that I could really use a pair.

They are so comfortable and the support is amazing. With all the nerve and muscle issues in my back right now I realize the support of good shoes is something I need and that helps.

I guess I just can't believe I caved, but I can tell already I will get plenty of use out of them. And I have to keep reminding myself I am a Colorado girl and can easily get away with wearing Chacos in a fashionable manner.:)

a lot.

I have a lot on my mind this evening, but it is too late to type and get it all out clearly. And I want to keep thinking, I think that is something I do best or too much. So much to process.

More later I assure you. Just not now.

reading.

I started reading Jane Eyre today. I'm only a few chapters in, but I'm enjoying it.

Reading is a good time killer activity.

honestly.

Monday I ventured out and instead of book shopping I went make-up and bra shopping (just what all my male readers need to hear about. haha).



I have realized the older I get the more important it is to take care of my skin properly. I have always done well in taking care of my skin (I could share my nightly routine to prove that, but I won't bore you), but I have never spent much money in taking care of my skin either. I will just buy whatever make-up I can find at Target that works, not what is the best for my skin. After talking with some friends and changing some different products in my lovely routine I decided one of the last steps in that change is my make-up. So I ventured out to Ulta, which in any girly girls world is an awesome place to shop, fulfilling every beauty need.:)



I had done plenty of research before heading out on my shopping adventure (for I found that is a good use of my time...this week), so headed to right what I was looking for when I entered the store. I looked through everything I had read about online and then really decided to push myself to the edge and ask for advice from, the what I thought was lovely, ladies that work there. I stood in line for several minutes before the lady told me that she was busy and would be over to help me in just a minute. 20 minutes later I'm still standing there waiting. I went back to the counter and the woman barely remembered me and that I had been waiting so long for help. She was still too busy to help me and called the manager. The manager, an older woman, and very well kept answered my few questions, but really did nothing to help me. She was short and rude with me, making my shopping experience less then what it should have been.



I then ventured a few doors down to Victoria. I do love that store and the products. In fact I have one particular bra I love from there and they discontinued making it, with no replacement. After shopping online before I went in I found a few that I thought would be about the same or worth a shot at trying on.

Perhaps I was wrong...When talking with the young woman at Victoria I asked about what I had seen online to replace my favorite bra. She said they don't carry that one in stores and I could order it online. I told her I was unsure of my size and didn't want to do that and asked if they had any others similar to what I had and was looking for. Point blank she told me no, that I was out of luck. Well, let me tell you, I wasn't looking for anything that out of the ordinary, but she was short and rude. Didn't offer to help me find something or to measure me. Nothing.

The point of all this being, I experienced the same type of service at similar stores twice in one day. Both experiences at stores that are trying to boost the image of woman, to meet whatever high bar society says we should meet. They have it all wrong. Mostly with their attitudes. Those stores are there to serve us. They should meet us where we are at and encourage about our image, not make us feel worse like we will never meet the standards of the world.

I'm not the most confident woman in the world about my body, but I am ok with who I am and the image in which I was created. I feel sad for women that walk into those stores who already feel down about who they are and leave feeling worse. But I feel more for the women that work in those stores. Perhaps that is all they know of themselves or that is all they have ever heard so they take it out on the world of woman around them.

Needless to say, I will go back to both stores, but in that being very aware of how I treat those woman. We are all beautiful in our own ways. If we all looked like models we would live in a very bland world.

You are beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

up.

Up...was a fabulous movie if I do say so myself. I suggest it, even if you are beyond animated films. It points out well that now is the adventure, even if it wasn't the adventure you planned.

I think we all need adventure books and people we love to share the adventure with...

struggle.

I'm struggling. I really am. I love the free time of summer. It has been so great to have time to catch up with people I haven't had time to catch up with a bit and it has been fun chill with the usuals (aka molly and fam. I love them).

But beyond that which only takes up so much time during the week, it is hard. I look forward to going back to work just to stay busy, but I know when it comes I won't be ready. So my goal is to really soak it in.

I don't do well at that. I like to be busy and feel, hmm, I can't explain the feeling...it sets in at night when I'm trying to go to sleep and can't because I didn't do enough that day to be tired...which usually forces to benadryl induced sleep....so I feel....like I didn't do enough, accomplish enough...

*deep breath*.....I don't know what to do either. I have hobbies and things that keep me busy when my work schedule is in full swing. You can only spend so much time doing yoga, or cleaning, or being on facebook. Usually when I have extra time and my body is feeling "normal" I would just workout and run more. And I can't. I have already done too much and pushed myself to hard. And days I do that I pay for it.

I'm paying for it today. I've done too much the last few days and the burning in my shoulders is beyond a 10 on a scale (I like to keep track and enjoy when I'm having a 2 day or a 5 day), even typing is too much. I'll be ok. But the plan needs to be me resting and enjoying the summer.

Monday my plan is to go book shopping. That will help. Suggestions?

Oh and the sun...and pool...that will help....come on SUNSHINE!!!!

longest.

I do think this has been the longest week of my life. It just keeps going and going and going....

I want the weather to warm up a bit. And I must not spend so much time cleaning things out, although that has been nice.

I've come to the realization that extra time only really matters when other people have extra time. Cause if you are the only one with extra time, too much is spent alone or in your closet weeding through old crap for hours.

Tomorrow I will go out a bit. Coffee with a friend. A massage in the afternoon. And Friday night date night.

Break just has to be one day at a time or I start to panic. Tomorrow will be good.

Oh and I got a new bathing suit, so it needs to warm up so I can waste all my extra time tanning and laying by the pool!

break?

Summer break has not started the best. When the weather is 55 degrees it is hard to get into that summer routine or "feeling". So far I have done more cleaning then I planned for the first week and I'm only 2 days into the week.

I started going through all of my clothes yesterday. I have so much I don't want anymore and I'm so sick of looking at. Sadly for me that doesn't mean cutting back on the wardrobe it means remaking my wardrobe. Which I will justify because I haven't done that in probably 3 years and I found stuff from high school, so it is totally justified. Not to mention the stuff I'm sick of will go to goodwill and become a part of someone elses wardrobe update. That's ok with me and really it sounds like I could be helping a woman in the same state of living as me, just needing to change things up.

On top of going through my clothes I decided to embark on the rest of my closet. I realized I'm kind of a pack rat, but not on purpose. I just get busy and instead of making decisions on what to do with "stuff" in the moment, I just keep it in piles, which become overwhelming. And then comes the dreaded day I have to go through it all. I found a lot of cards and random items I wanted to keep for the "memories". I love the encouraging words, I love the memories. But I decided as I through so much of it out today that if it really meant something to me, it sticks in my memory, I don't need the "stuff".

Included in my closet is my bookshelf. I have quite the book collection. But included in that is a ton of "ministry stuff", which I'm not using and haven't used in sometime. I don't know what to do with it all. It's good stuff I think, books and notes and game ideas, but I haven't touched it in almost 3 years, if not longer. I don't think I can throw it away. I don't think I can give it away. And I know I won't be apart of youth ministry at this point in my life. In fact I don't know if I will use it again. It churns my stomach to think of going back to it, I've seen too much hypocrisy.

Needless to say, I'm taking care of what I feel is baggage. I still have all of my childhood belongings to go through. But I don't want the possessions. Is that horrible? I just don't want to cart it around for the rest of my life. Some stuff I will need to keep to pass on or show my kids, but the rest...

This isn't what I expected of break. I think it will get better as I get into the groove and it warms up. I also need to remember this time is to let my body relax and get better. That's hard for me. But maybe I'll get there.

sweet.

I really enjoy dessert for breakfast. I ate chocolate cake the other day for breakfast (in celebration of playing hooky). I just enjoyed a delicious chocolate cookie with my coffee. There is something great about eating something so sweet so early in the day. I almost can't handle eating salty things in the morning, just sugar please.:)

summer skin.

It's been awhile, but I haven't had the energy or ideas to write. In fact I haven't wanted to, which means I shouldn't in my mind. It is one of those times in my life where a lot really is going on, but so much of it is just for me. I don't want to share, with anyone. I feel like I have been in "my cave" a lot, thinking and processing. And it's nothing bad, truly, I just don't want to share.

I'm ready for summer, not the heat, but to have time. I'm glad to be taking time to chill and that financially it's acceptable. I need that time. I need to relax and truly give my body a break.

I have big plans.....yoga, farmers market, and laying by the pool. Can't wait!

italy.

Twelve hours from now I will be on my way to Georgia to catch a plan to Italy. I'm excited and having a hard time relaxing enough to sleep, hints why I'm writing this.

I get the feeling my world is about to get much bigger. Awesome. I'm ready for it. In some ways I hate that I'm leaving my life here for 10 days, but it is ten days I need. I need to do this, now, the timing is perfect. Thinking about it while I'm typing this, I am a sad to go. Maybe not sad, maybe I'm already in the state of missing. I'm excited to go, so excited. But I'm excited to come back. If that makes sense at all.

Oh man......can't wait to share about my journey.

peace out.:)

happiness.

"Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it"
(happiness by the fray)

I don't think you can look for happiness. We try. We have all looked for it at some point in our lives. The harder you look, the harder it is to find. Discontentment grows and happiness is pushed farther away. It just has to come, you just have to let it in...

I'm happy, probably the happiest I have ever been. I would have never guessed my life to be like this, to be where I'm at, to have the people in my life that I do. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I love it.

If you're not happy don't lose hope. It will come with a "violent roar". And is totally worth all you have to go through to get there.

serendipity.

I love that movie, Serendipity. It's kinda old but so so romantic. I love how it was just meant to be between John and Sarah. Even after so much time of not being in each other's lives and not having any way to be in contact, they were still brought together. And it's so stinkin' cute that they thought about each other often!

Funny how things work out like that. I guess when it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

change.

Spring is a dreaded time of year for me. I can feel change in the air and not just with the weather. I don't know what it is, this almost discontent or maybe exhausted feeling sets in, and I know change is coming.

My life has change so much so quickly in the last year. I know things will continue to change and that is a good thing, I like that. It's standing on this side of the changes, knowing they are coming, not knowing what they will look like, dreading the process, but wanting to be at the end result feeling, that I dread. But dread is almost to extreme of a word to use...

MIA.

I've been MIA. I can't write these days. Sometimes you just can't explain in words and sometimes you just don't need to share. Maybe I'll get back into it in the weeks to come, I have a lot of thoughts, but so little time to process.

I do know today I'm so fed up with "Christians" and the "church". So much hypocrisy, so much back stabbing, so much lying, so much hating. What ever happened to being honest and real instead of putting on shows? Or confronting in a Godly manner your issues with one another? Or telling the truth? And what about love? Did we forget how to love each other, good days and bad days? I'm so turned off and don't want it to effect my relationship with the Lord, but it has. Ugh.

My world travels in just a few weeks now will be nice. I need time to think and get back to the basics. Not to mention the sights and tastes of Italy to forget my troubles...

I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life...that is overwhelming to me today. It is nice to know people have your back. I pray they know I have theirs.

decided.

I was having coffee with a friend the other day and we talked about writing briefly. She is an incredible writer, with an incredible journey. When she writes she takes you to where she is and through every emotion she feels when there. I never begin to read any of her stuff without a tissue box near.

She asked if I like to write. Yes was my answer, but.....I decided. One must be slightly insane to write well. Good writing, I think, comes when a ton of time is spent alone and you are terribly lost in your thoughts. To the point of feeling slightly insane.

I haven't had too much time alone lately. And when you have people to share the insane ideas/thoughts with it's hard to want to write.
That is a good thing for me right now.

playlist.

I was driving the other day, I can't remember where I was going. But I was enjoying a great cd mix (kudos to megan for making great mixes!), so many great songs and several that I will listen to over and over.

Music is one of the best thought provokers I think. Just listening to the words or the sounds of the music is enough to make my mind go crazy. I love that.

We associate songs or artists or playlists with different times in our lives or certain people. I have a playlist titled "songs that make me think of you", I don't know what it is about those songs that make me think of "you" but it does. And I can't make it fit for anyone else even if "you" aren't apart of my life anymore. "Chill Me" was made for this fall. "Closing In" was made for this winter and I don't think it is complete just yet. "beginning to fall" (cause you can fall into a lot of things) has been the best lately. Augustana and Rogue Waves latest will always remind me of last summer. One Republic's album will always make me think of you and that time last year that I wasn't working. Jason Mraz will always remind me of high school and Guster and Dashboard will always make me think of that time right after I graduated. I could go on, but I think you get it.

It's crazy to me the way we associate these things. But in the same breath I love it. It's awesome to me that we can take that "trip down memory lane" just by changing the playlist.

I wonder what playlist this season will create. But I love that I will be able to come back to it with a playlist.

mess.

I'm a bit of a mess this week. It has been a tough one with high points for sure. But tough. I can't even really get my thoughts together to post something clever or whatever. But soon. Ideas are growing. I just need time to think for a little while...

incredible.

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' up Tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles, Chasin' up Tails
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start."

(the scientist by coldplay)

Incredible song. I love it.

new.

I can't believe it has taken me 10 days into the new year to get on here again. Life has been too busy. I don't always want to be on here (the computer in general). Although sometimes I do.:)

I think life is going to just keep changing this year. That is what I see ahead. It is fun to think back on the last little bit of life and see how things change so quickly. Somethings just get better with time, others become harder. I wonder whats ahead, but won't plan a thing. I just have to flow with it, one day at a time.

"we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail, they are new every morning..."

"love is a poor mans food..."