can't believe.

I can't believe this year is over. It is so much to digest. It was a good year. One I think that will always be dear to me. I experienced a lot and went through so much. But holy cow it was all worth it.

I love the time I had at the beginning of this year without a job. It was hard to not be working, but I had so much time to figure "me" out. I think I had a breakdown every few days. I don't think I have cried that much in a really long time. I felt so vulnerable and broken. Like I was standing naked in front of a crowd. I had no idea how I was going to pay the bills or make it to my next little bit of work. But it cause me to trust and really let that free spirited side of me "fly" and not know what was going to happen. That was a reason for joy or to get me to the next day.

The summer was full of unexpectedness. It was just different and nothing I could have planned. I had a lot of play time in the midst of a small job to get me through. I can't even really put it to words. So much was going on it was so much to process, but none of it caused tears or chaos, like the months before. In fact I don't think I cried all summer. I couldn't I was numb, in the most feeling of ways, and tears weren't the way to process. I just went with it, knowing what I was getting myself into. By the end of summer I was walking in to a job I had wanted for a bit, but the timing was just now right.

I can't believe it is now the last day of the year. The fall and early winter flew. I feel into a routine fast and life was full of adventures. I don't understand beyond the grace of God how so much hate could grow into something mostly opposite.

I can't wait for the year to come. This year was a turning point. 2009 will be an adventure that I can't begin to plan. I don't totally know what life holds, but would it be any fun if I did? I can't wait. I'm ready to take it on.
Happy New Year!

words.

I love words. In every form. I love reading. I especially love song lyrics and the beauty of words is put to music. I need words, that is how I know you care. I need to hear it and see it written down. And that is how I want you to know I care, through my words.

Thinking back on my life over the last several years what I can recall the most is words. Conversations. Some of them so uplifting, life changing really. Others make me wonder if I will ever be able to forget the horrible things said, the amount of tears and self doubt they caused.

I want to change my words. I want to encourage more. I hesitate so much for fear of confrontation or what will be thought about me, so I just keep it all in. I hate that.

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive"
(jason mraz "you and I both")

anticipation.

Anticipation. Good or bad? I don't know. It is an interesting feeling for sure, one that you aren't sure you are content with or ready to crawl out of your own skin with.

I want to crawl out of my skin.

I wasn't really into Christmas this year. It was fine. I had a good time with my fam, had fun eating and giving/receiving gifts. But I just wasn't there. My mind and heart were elsewhere. I even had a hard time focusing on Jesus' birth. Yes I'm grateful for that and truly wish I could have let it sink in like years past.

I went to bed Christmas Eve with an anticipation and woke up Christmas morning with that feeling. It was that same feeling you get when you are a kid waiting on Santa. But that was not the cause of the feelings of anticipation. But it was the most "Christmasy" feeling I had over the holidays.

Oh the anticipation. I didn't get what I really wanted for Christmas, but it was an impossible gift that really only comes with waiting. I have no choice there, but that is ok.

It is just that feeling of what is to come that has got me this week. Life has changed a lot this year. I feel like everything is a new adventure of some sort. It is a lot to digest and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it this week. But all I want is for things to keep growing and changing. I have an anticipation for whatever the road ahead may have. I don't want to hit a stagnant point again. I can't do it. Not right now. And with as much as I want time to fly, I want to soak it in. That is what makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I'm not discontent. I have been there. This is different.

I'll be ok. Maybe not today. But I will be. Going back to work in 10 days will be good. I have too much time to think right now.

merry.

Oh Christmas. I think Christmas from here on out will always be different. They aren't the same and haven't been the same as when I was a kid in several years. Life is different now. Which makes Christmas different. I'm ok with that. It is a lot to take in a process. But exciting and new. I like new.

change.

Ugh.....I want to change the world. I want to do something big.

There are so many people in my life that have changed my world, that have added to my world, made a difference. Do I do that? Have I added to your world?

One day at a time. One thing at a time. All I can really do is keep breathing and pray the Creator will use me as a tool in His hand. For He is the reason I want to change the world or someones world.

break.

I need Christmas break. You have no idea. I don't know I made it through life before when I didn't have breaks. I feel like so many things are falling through the cracks cause all I have done is focused on the big important things in life. Such as...as social life or folding laundry? That is an easy decision.

I need time to think. I need time to take care of me and my surroundings. I need time for conversation. I need the time with my family and friends. I need time to read and write.

I'm a bit empty in the fullest of ways.

Plus a few weeks off are a great way to help time fly.:)

I don't know.

I don't really know what to write about. Life has been crazy and so much of it will stay in my mind for a bit. Oh the thinker I am.

I will say that life is full of learning. I feel like I'm stumbling into the great unknown. So much of life is untouched territory and each I step a bit more into that territory. I love the "lessons". I can't pin point them, but I know I'm learning and growing. You can't replace that.

I have to remind myself daily that I can't fix all the problems of the world. Nor can I hold them inside me. It is far to big of a burden to carry...

Crying is good for me. I need that release.

I wish time away often. But thinking back on the last bit of time that I wanted to go so quickly I wouldn't change it. I needed it. I'm learning from it and want it to be part of my life.

Oh the unknown. Sometimes I hate. Today I love it.

december.

I wrote this last December. It is fun to see change, the difference in life and who I am or have grown to be this year. So I thought I would share it....

"A long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last"..You know the Counting Crows song...I love that song. I remember listening to it when I was really young, carefree and riding in the car, singing along like I don't have care in the world. I feel like this song could be the theme to my life this December. It has been a long year.

I left the land of familiar this year. For so long I have tried to live what I thought was my passion. And it was for sure, for a time, but times change and so did my cravings.
I was stuck, but had to move on. I didn't understand it for a long time. I tried to turn and go back. But every door has shut. I have no choice but to keep moving forward. It is an awkward and uncomfortable journey. One I can't say I'm enjoying, but I don't hate it either.

I do feel lost. I have been challenged, inspired really, to pursue my dreams. Sadly I can't even think of what those things may be. I know what I want. And maybe those things are or always have been my dreams and I have never looked at them like that. I just thought they were to ordinary to be a "dream".

I'm a broken woman right now. I feel so vulnerable. I don't want to be an open book with anyone. And this may just be a time that I need to be.

I do know this, God is shaping me. Molding me to be who He needs me to be. He is holding me in the palm of His hand. And He has my life under control. He has a bigger dream for me than I could ever dream up. I just don't know what that looks like right now. But I'm ready. Moving forward. Out of familiar. Looking for change. Full of hope.

Maybe this coming year (08) will be better than the last (07).

don't.

I don't really have a thought of the day...

Beyond the fact that I am way in the mood to go to a concert or have one lined up for the next little bit of time.....I can't really find anything. Bum.

made it.

I made it through yesterday. It really wasn't that bad. I would have rather sat at "home" alone for the evening, but I went to dinner and it was fine. Being around people is good sometimes.

We had our first bit of snow last night. That was kinda nice and made it "feel" more like a holiday. Have you noticed the older you get the less the holidays "feel" like holidays. Really they are so mundane and full of work. One of these days in my life I want to make them "feel" like they once did.

I got "home" last night and wanted to watch a Christmas movie, but there were none on tv. I really wanted to watch "The Holiday" or "p.s. i love you". "p.s. i love you" is a sad movie. But I was in a kinda sad movie mood. I'm glad there was nothing around to watch. I didn't "need" it.
So I spoiled myself with a bubble bath and stay up late reading. It was good. Just what I needed I think.

One of these days I think the holidays will be different and what I need them to be, maybe. For now. Mundane. And I made it through yesterday.

ugh.

I just bought several worship songs on itunes. I haven't done that in a long time.
But I need it today. I need to rest in Him and find peace in Him.

I hate that today is Thanksgiving. I have nothing to complain about and so much to be thankful for and I am, for sure. My heart is overwhelmed with His goodness and hand in my life.

It's just a "bad skin day". I hate that I have to go put on a face for dinner today. I'll make it. I'll be ok. But getting out is good. I have had too much time alone already today.

You should go listen to "divine romance" by phil wickham. I swore I would never like that song. Today I do. I liked it yesterday too.

I am....

I love yoga. I love my yoga class. I think our instructor is one of the most fascinating women I have ever met. She is so encouraging, so knowledgeable of the human body, so eco friendly, such a hippy in the coolest of ways.

Last night as class began we started in easy pose. Breathing deep, letting go, opening up, preparing for the hour ahead of us. She then posed the idea of "I am." She wanted us to take the "I am" and finish it. To really take hold of that and let it sink it.

I am strong.
I am thankful.
I am beautiful.
I am open.
I am............

I filled that "I am" in with the first word that came to mind. Funny enough it wasn't steadfast (something I often claim). I'm not saying I'm there, steadfast. But that I realized something else, something different than the norm.

Can you do that? Can you finish "I am"? Because we are something. But do we believe it, claim it, let it sink in to the core of our beings? I don't think so. I don't. We are told enough. We don't think it of ourselves enough.

But.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You are loved.
You are chosen.
You are desired.
You are different.
You have inspired.
You add something to the world.
You changed my world.
You are...
I am....
Fill it in.
Hear it.
Claim it.
Say it.

state.

Oh my state of being these days. I don't actually think I could put it into words. So peculiar really.

I feel an extra bounce in my step. Perhaps that is happiness or joy (I hate the word joy. it sounds so fake). Life is much lighter presently than it has been in the past. I have less to think about and feel the free spirited side of me taking flight. I'm just living and that is so much lighter to hold on to. I don't feel the burden of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I can keep my chin up. And really there are so few tears to cry. I'm thankful for this. I don't think I have lived comfortably in this state, ever.

But in the same breath, I feel winter breathing down my neck. I want it to be snowy. I want to get snowed in so I can enjoy being home for a day or so. I want to hibernate like bear. I just feeling like settling in. I can't explain that nor does it make sense with the taking flight free spirited half of me currently.

But I know what I miss and what I really want to settle into. I know the comfortable I long for. But that doesn't matter today. Curiosity or the daily grind will push me. I will keep moving forward. And the state (of being that is) that I'm in will have to be ok for now.

I'm ok with that....today.

11.18.08

I had a dream, more than once, in fact several times, about 8 years ago that involved yesterdays date.

I have literally thought about the date that long. Every year it rolls around I wonder what the day will actually hold and why I held it close for so long.

Yesterday was it. No more waiting. And nothing. There was nothing special about the day. It was long and busy. I mean it was one of the most normal, mundane days of my life.

Kind of a bummer really. Slightly disappointing. But I guess sometimes dreams are just dreams, and that is all they will ever be.

off week.

I have kinda had an off week. I have felt so uncomfortable in a way that I can't describe.

"Bad Skin Day" by Bell X1 has kinda been the song that has stuck around for the week.

I have had so much on my mind I don't even know how to begin to outward process any of it.

I have been around a lot of people that have had people in their lives leave the world this week. My heart grieves for them. How does one handle that? I don't know. Living is a gift that we take for granted.

Being told your pretty makes a difference.
And most days need hugs.

I don't understand a lot, but there is so much more I do.

Our bodies are incredible. I love learning new things about the human body. I spend a lot of time on webmd. We have so much potential within us and so rarely are we brave enough to dig deep enough to step out.

This is the most I can come up with for now. I need sleep.

wind.

I was standing outside at work the other day and it was cold. I was super cold. Which is refreshing. I would always rather be cold than hot.

It was cloudy and gray so I was feeling most comfortable. Not to mention the screams and laughs of all my little second graders playing, it was music for the moment. Kids playing is music I think. So much joy, so raw, they don't have a care in the world and that is a beautiful song.

While standing there all bundled up, really counting the minute until I could go in a warm up, the wind blew. And yes I know it does that. But it sounded different. My coat zipped up tight and my body beginning to shiver, it rushed over me and that sound. I don't know what it was, but it stopped me.

You know in the summer the wind is playful and energetic. I love when it blows and moves my hair, reminding us of the playful season. To be free and let go of things.

The wind sounds different now. It is almost warning us to bundle up and prepare to be comfortable inside, chilling you to the very core of your being. It's closer, less wide open than summer wind.

I felt it the other day. Change. I think change is coming. Just like the wind changes so does our lives. Things were so stagnant for a bit of time for me. And now life is ever flowing, always changing. I don't know what to expect, nor do I want to know. I've never really liked surprises before, but I do right now.

Bring on the wind....just not too much. I like to keep my hair in order.:)

me too.

I think those are to of the most comforting, encouraging words to hear. To know your aren't alone. To know someone feels the same or has done the same or wants the same as you.

me too.

can't sleep.

I can't sleep. It's 3:30 a.m. and I have been awake for almost 22 hours. That is one long day.

I don't know what the deal is. Well, I do. My mind won't slow down tonight. I guess I could take a little something to help me sleep, but after sleeping last night without "drugs" for the first time in a few years, I feel a bit free. And don't want to turn back.

So here I am. I have no point, nothing in mind to write about. I haven't lately. I either feel totally uninspired or it is too much. More often than not it is too much, to raw, things that just don't need to leave my silly mind and making it into the crazy world of blogs.

Everything is so much right now. I can't explain. Or maybe it is so much cause I have been awake for so long....

time.

Ever notice that we all have that clock in our lives that rule our days? There are several for me...But really they are everywhere. It drives me crazy. Especially on days that I can't stop looking at it, wishing time would move faster so I can move onto something else. Those are the days time moves the slowest. Glancing at that damn clock every ten minutes, if not less, creates the most aching, anxious feeling one could ever experience I think.



In August I went through a bit of time of trying new medications for my migraine problem. In the midst of this trial and error process I had a reaction to one of the medications I had tried. Showering early one morning I nearly passed out, or perhaps I did, cause after the flashing lights and blacking out I found myself lying on the bathroom floor, feet up on the toilet, soap still in my hair. All I can remember during this episode was me repeating to myself and praying "don't die. Lord please don't let me die like this, not now. please".



I realized after thinking through that I realize how frail our lives are. So precious really. We don't know when our time ends or how out of control we are over that. I read recently that the same God who gives us every breath, can take it away just as easily as He gives it. Holy cow. Think about that one. How precious our time here is. And how often do we find ourselves wishing minutes, hours, days, and weeks way?



In recent days I have found myself wishing time away more and more. To the point of doing whatever I can to just push through a day to get to the next, cause somewhere in my mind that makes everything go faster. I want to jump ahead so bad. I want this time to come or that time to come, or this to happen or that. And I realize in doing that I lost time. Here and now are important. I need to live today to take in every lesson, have every conversation that needs to be had, to come in contact with all God intends me to, and have the time He needs me to go through before everything else.

"she broke down the other day you know. some things in life may change, but some things they stay the same, like time. there's always time on my mind so pass me by I'll be fine just give me time" (older chests by damien rice)

Time. There's always time. There is a time for everything, for every activity under the sun. I can't make time go any faster. It is what it is, but how I live that effects it. Christ came to give me life to live to the fullest. I want to take it in. Love every moment, even the ones I hate, cause someday I may miss those times.

closing in.

My world is so much smaller today. The gray weather is just what I needed. I feel at peace and calm. Like nothing is too big or beyond what I can handle. My mind has slowed down with the laziness of my day.

Things are clearer today. Nothing makes anymore sense and I don't have any answers. But in all honesty I don't want answers or for everything in my life to make sense. The mystery of it all is fun and exciting. I just needed my world to be smaller, so I can enjoy today and what's here and now.

God is so good to have sent the clouds and rain in today.

overwhelmed.

Today is my first official day of "fall break" with school.
I have been thinking about nothing lately. My mind can't even function outside of my routine or what is happening at that moment. After having 24 hours to myself, no work, very little human contact, some sleep, I'm totally overwhelmed. I can't stop my mind. I could barely sleep due to the amount of thoughts and thinking and rethinking things.

I'm so overwhelmed with myself today. I think I could throw up. I have so many questions and want so much. But I'm not at all discontent. I don't think I have ever felt this way. And I don't think I like it. But I don't think I can change it. A good cry may benefit me. But I have to much joy in my life to shed tears. I can't even muster up enough to cry.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

inspired.

I have had an inspiration problem lately. I guess nothing has provoked me. And not just for writing, I mean inspiration in life in general. No I'm not depressed. I don't know how to explain this feeling. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I have realized a few things.

I was at Starbucks today (surprise, surprise) waiting patiently in line. I had just gotten off work for fall break (10 days of life outside of the norm. yes!) and decided a coffee would be nice to really kick things off. An older couple was in line ahead of me and the husband was having a hard time deciding what he wanted. In the midst of this a friendly (or perhaps fake friendly, totally annoyed, yet still friendly) barista asked what I would like. Well, due to my Starbucks habit lately I was just getting drip. She got it for me ahead of the older couple, due to this mans still indecisiveness. At that point the older man looks at the barista and tells her that he will be taking care of my coffee. I told him he didn't have to do that, but he insisted. I thanked him and when on with my afternoon.

Wonderful I tell you. That made my day (well a lot of things have made or will make my day today, but it added to the joy). I have no idea who that man was, but he loved me. And I don't mean anything by that, but he showed love, perhaps the love of Christ.

Can't we all love like a little more? Is that how we can make a difference, change the world?

long time.

It has been a long time (kinda) since I have posted anything.
Yet again, I feel a bit uninspired. Or perhaps my thoughts are to deep, far beyond what the world needs to know, so I don't let them out. Maybe soon, something will provoke me.

I love the weather today. The cool air is so refreshing. And the clouds are a nice touch. I need a gray day. I need the world around me to close in a little bit. Everything is so vast feeling right now. Life is ever changing, like the Colorado weather, currently. I love it. I wouldn't trade it. But that doesn't mean I don't need my world to be smaller.

In the same breath, my world is to small. I thought I was outside of the box and somehow I think I'm balancing on the edge. I need to go further, do more. Make a difference. I need a challenge. Hmm....

people.

I have felt rather uninspired lately. My thoughts all a mess, totally out of sorts for me. Wednesday was a turning point for me. I don't know if it was a big one, but I'm thinking just a smidge clearer. Enough to let my thoughts out...

There is a small group that meets at my families house every Wednesday night. We have been meeting for a little over a year, studying 1 Peter. We actually made it through 1 Peter at our one year mark and just started 2 Peter. We dive in deep and pull everything that we can apart, and wrestle with what it means and how it applies to our lives. Yes the study has been amazing. But what I have taken for granted was the people.

We are a very random group of people, the youngest being 19ish and the the oldest probably 60ish. We have very little in common, but the fact that we all want to know God better and let His Word transform our lives. But that is enough for us to keep meeting and enjoy each others company.

I don't know what hit me the other night in the middle of study, but I was sent into a giggle fit. I laughed hard and was full of sass. Which I don't always show this side of me when we meet. (In fact several comments were made with people wanting to know if I was ok.) I can't even explained what happened, but as we sat there and discussed some amazing verses I realized that each of us come with a purpose and make up this small body in our living room. I felt like I had a purpose to be there the other night. My guard had been let down and I was able to be me. Silly, sassy, and serious. Why did I hold back so long?

It hit me yesterday how important it is to have people in your life that you can be yourself around. I don't want to have my guard up all the time. What was or am I afraid of to guard myself the way have been? What are you afraid of to keep your guard up the way you do? What makes you/me hold back? Who makes you/me put our guard up?

I could go so many places trying to answers those questions, but what I'm finding more important, is just letting loose. I want to be me. And I want you to be you. No masks. Just people being real. I love that I have those relationships where I can laugh and be silly or be vulnerable with. It makes me more of a person to have those people in my life...if that makes sense. I love that I have people in my life that push me to be more than I thought I could be or to step out of my comfort zone. I love that there are people in my life that ask me the hard questions or even better really listen to my answers. I love that I have a cheer squad, people standing behind me cheering me all the way, even when I fall. I love that I have people in my life that I know have my back covered no matter what. I know I could call them for anything and they would be there. I love and I'm thankful beyond words, that I have people in my life like this, because it inspires me to take action and be that for them.

random.

I have had a really rough time thinking clearly the last week or so. My mind has been all over, not one thing has stuck in my head for very long. Which is kinda a nice break. But I miss that...Perhaps soon you will get something worth reading on here, but for this afternoon, my randomness.

• I have had one CD in for over a week now. I can't stop listening to it. I consider changing it, but even that makes me miss it. So I'll keep listening until I really can't stand it. Ever go through phases like that? I have even done it with one song...
• To make that more random, Damien Rice is the only thing I really want to be listening to, but that isn't the cd I have had in. His lyrics seem to be the only ones "meaningful" enough for my random deep thoughts this week.
• Yoga does make me feel partly like a hippy. But it also makes me realize how strong I am. And I am strong. Strong than I knew.
• Words can change your world. Maybe that's why Damien is so amazing this week. I love the words. But not just the lyric kind of words. I mean the everyday stuff. The words spoken that stick with you, good or bad. I'm dealing with some old bad ones and wonder if the person who spoke them has any amount of remorse. I doubt it, in fact I almost know it. Which makes it harder to unpack.
• I'm over excited for the next season of the Amazing Race to begin. I mean I mostly feel like a dork because I'm so excited. I decided it is because I love to live vicariously through these people racing for an hour every week. I want to race around the world! And perhaps my life doesn't have enough adventure, so I find it on the Race for now.

Enough said for now...I hope this didn't totally bore you and you decide to come back. But this is all I could muster up for your reading pleasure today.

The Way I See It....Starbucks Style.

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occation, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no"-they may not be smart enough to say "yes."

-Keith Olbermann
Broadcast journalist and host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann

grow me.

I love this time of year. There is something in the air that just warms my spirit. I love the cloudier days and the closeness you feel as the cool days of fall will soon bring snow. I love the change in the environment, it makes me desire change or maybe I just desire to settle into a fall routine, leaving the business of summer behind. One thing you can see change in the fall is the leaves. There is almost nothing quite as beautiful as the warm tones in the leaves. Bright yellows, vibrant reds, and deep oranges that you can't help but touch. And the sound of crackling leaves beneath your feet is a sweet reminder that winter is near.

I love looking at trees, all year really. Always growing, always changing in some way. So firm and strong. Providing shade in the summer, beautiful colors in the fall, empty branches perfect for Christmas lights in the winter, and sweet blossoms in the spring. What's not to love about trees? I want to be a tree.

I was thumbing through my almost complete journal last night. I landed at my first entry, which was last spring and then to a year ago today, before turning to the last few pages I have written.

"I think I'm on the brink of a new chapter...This one seems to be lingering, yet again nothing like I thought it would be....And now as spring is in full swing-even with our spring snow- I see change. I'm not gonna lie I'm scared for this chapter. My direction is changing and I have no clue where. Which is good because if I knew I would be to comfortable-and I'm sure God has a lesson for me....The point in it being-I trust God and I trust His plan. He knows me better than I know myself-I would be a fool not to follow. Steadfast I will strive to be and continuing on His path I will go. Making the most of every opportunity." (spring 07)

I hit a major low about a year ago. Too much of my life had slipped through the cracks. I was discontent, hurt, confused, and felt no one in the world would be there for me. It's funny how much your life can change in 6 months. I had to hit that low to get to a lower low this spring. I left my long time job and worked odd jobs for about 3 months. I didn't know who I was anymore nor did I like the person I had become. I just wanted time and it was the best. A time I will cherish for the rest of my life. Crying was my favorite past time, cause I didn't know what else to do. I had to let out all I held in. But in that I was able to dig deeper into myself to find a strength I never knew I had and I was able to really crawl to the feet of my Savior to fill whatever void in my life.

At the beginning of the summer I got my first tattoo. "Statheros"- which is Greek for steadfast on the top of my foot. For a few years that is what I feel God was calling me to-remaining steadfast, unswerving, coherent, firm, steady. And I wanted to mark that calling on my body. So that reminder is as close as my skin. I have no excuse that I "forgot", cause every time I look down I see that. "Steadfast", I remind myself, and quietly pray often.

I can't believe how much my life has changed yet again in the last six months. I feel like everything has changed, some of it unexpectedly, which I wrote about before. But the one thing remaining is the growth. I want to be like a tree. Always growing, always changing, but firm.
With Christ as my soil and my feet as the roots; I want to run as to get the prize.

out of sorts.

Do you ever have days like that? Where you just feel out of sorts, not yourself, like a stranger in your own body. Or maybe like you are on the outside watching life like a movie.

That was my day yesterday. I can't explain it. But I hate looking back at it. I'm glad it's behind me. It wasn't bad, nothing was wrong with the day. It was me. Not in a bad mood. Not in a good mood. Tired, but not sleepy. Not discontent, but not content either. I don't have days like this often, but I hate when they come.

I was blessed to see the rain and fog today. I needed some part of my world to close in on me, so I didn't feel so vulnerable. I almost hate sunny days, cause my ADHD spirit can't handle the wide openness of it. I wished for the sun to not come out this afternoon, as it began to peak through the clouds for a bit. I don't say that in a depressed manner, gray days are simply the best.

I woke up this morning to some amount of a reality check, like I was back on earth after yesterday. As much as I hated it, I understand more about myself today.. And shouldn't we all be thankful for understanding? Maybe I wouldn't have learned what I did if I wouldn't have felt so out of sorts and uncomfortable yesterday. What I understand more today:

• Honesty is the best policy. I couldn't live any other way. I want to know and I want to be able to say without fear.
• I have a naturally restless spirit, so I need to take time to make myself sit.
• Staying up late is always worth the conversation.
• Laundry on Thursday nights makes for a chill Friday.
• Packing a lunch is my least favorite thing currently.
• New music is my motivation.
• "The Way I See It" on Starbucks cups inspires or provokes me.
• Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.

just a thought.

This quote was on "the morning news" at work today and I enjoyed enough to share.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Oliver Wendell

not good enough.

There are three questions I hate answering, yet they are inevitable. The one that drives me off the wall the most is "what are you doing with your life?". I guess for some it isn't that hard to answer. In fact it isn't hard for me to answer. I want nothing more than to do God's will for my life. Have I tried to do my own thing or make things happen? Of course. But God has His way of bringing me back to teaching me contentment and peace in His plan. I have to remind myself often that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for me.



I am happy with where I am at in life. I have a job that I love and look forward to going to. And for the first time, maybe ever, I leave work in a good mood everyday. Am I tried? Yes. Do I enjoy the weekends? Yes. But that doesn't make my job any less enjoyable. I feel I'm at where God needs me to be right now and someplace where He is going to use me. And something I really hate is the questions from those, who possibly can't hear themselves speak or ask questions like "is that all you are going to do?" or "don't you want to pursue more of a career in that field?". Seriously?!? Am I not doing enough? Are you really questioning where God has me right now?



For example, I have a friend working her butt off through nursing school right now. And you know what she gets asked, "why would you just be a nurse, don't you want to be a doctor?". I hear things like this all to often and hurts my heart. Am I really not good enough? Who's standards do you want me to meet? If I'm happy and doing something I have a passion for, can't you be happy and support me?



I'm probably not the most secure person when it comes to my decisions. I'm a people pleaser and care what people think. It has taken a lot of time and praying and wrestling with God to reach a place of contentment, especially when I have to make a decision. I understand now that as long as I am ok with where God has me, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. And yes I get restless sometimes when things are to full of routine, but that is when I know I need to be praying and seeking out God hard, so that I don't stray from His plan.



I just feel like the world will never think what I or you are doing is good enough. And I hate that. Not because I want to please them, but because of the hurt or confusion it causes. Don't listen to the harsh words of the world. You are good enough. God does have a perfect plan for your life, to prosper you and give you hope. He has your life mapped out, every breath, every tear, every bit of laughter. He has it written. Don't get lost in what the world says. Seek God out. Don't stray. He will get you to where you need to be, even if you stumble along the way.

I'm not good enough for the world. But it is only my tent.

+1.

A few weeks ago, my eyes were opened in my thinking about how big God is and how big His love is. In the midst of this an idea was shared and my mind has been provoked. I attend a yoga class on Monday nights led by an incredibly smart, free spirited, organic woman. She is an incredible instructor and keeps us laughing, even while in down dog. She shared a few weeks ago about the company she is developing and some of the thinking within it. The company has been created to encourage people to give back to the planet. By encouraging people to go green and being eco-friendly, as well as by loving yourself and those in your life. The "plus one theory" is behind it. Plus one, because each time you would give in some way or make a better decision for you and the world around you points will be rewarded. I don't think I believe in a points system (for this company I do and I love the idea). But I do think we can all "plus one".



This is a concept I have been trying in my own life. I don't want to earn points, but I do want to change the world. Just because we are small or just one person doesn't mean we can't make a difference. In fact maybe changing the world starts with yourself.



I believe God is always molding and changing us. Especially if we open ourselves up to that and let His love in and really learn to respect who He has created us to be. Then what will over flow from our lives?


Love.


It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you believe. We can all love. I think that is how we can "plus one". I also don't think it has to be huge. Maybe you are a 20% tipper at restaurants or you hold the door for someone or you just let someone know they mean a lot to you or you smile at a random stranger. But the idea of "plus one" just needs to become a habit. Once a day to start can change the way you live. But it can also start to change in the world around you.

Unexpected.

Everything in my life in the last month has been so unexpected. Which I normally would hate, because I love to plan. But...It has all come after a lot of waiting. Sometimes patiently and sometimes impatiently. The best part is the peace I have. I know I am at where God needs me to be and He has made that clear. Not everything has been easy, just unexpected, but that doesn't make me any less happy. And I am happy and content. With the unexpectedness of some things I am a bit overwhelmed, but not in a bad way.

Needless to say...I guess I am feeling a lot this evening.

Oh and have you thought about that infinite love?
Part two is to come...I just wanted to make sure you really thought about it.
And you can watch the videos at juststopandthink.com.

Infinite.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a very big person. In fact I've heard about every short joke you could come up with. I am so finite, which I have realized so much more recently than I have in a long time or maybe ever. But this isn't about me being short.

I watched a video online about two weeks ago and I can't get it out of my head. The video is showing the view of a city and from that moving to the size of the world compared to the galaxies of all outer space. What I realized while watching was how finite I am. Think about it. I am here on earth, little me and you with millions of others all over the place, with more going on on this planet that is floating in space than we can even fathom. That is huge. But not really. We are only one planet in one galaxy.I don't really know or understand a lot about space, but I do know it is big. And He's got the whole world in his hands. He has it all in the palm of His hands. I mean really think about it.

What has taken me back the most this week is that the God who is that big, who can hold the world in His hands, knows me. Every breath I take, every thought, every hair on my head, and every tear I shed. Me, He knows me. And He doesn't just know me that big, He has a love that big. He is so infinite. I am just little finite me. One little part of this crazy world.

There is so much more I want to get to but I have to stop here. I want you to really think about it. Do you know how loved you are? Do you know how much you mean to the Creator of the Universe? I pray you are overwhelmed. Think about it like a child. Be amazed. I know this sounds simple and silly. And if I could I would take you by the shoulders and look you in the eyes and tell you, because I want you to realize the love of our Creator. Look outside. Look around you, He is so big. We are so small.

The First

I am an inconsistent myspace blogger. I actually stopped writing on there several months ago realizing that anything I was sharing or writing about was only reaching my 100 or so friends, that probably don't even read them. I was encouraged to write more not to long ago by some different people in my life. I feel the bar is high because there are several great blogs I read daily. So I will give it a shot, you can love it or hate it. But I have things to say. I want to share my heart and my thoughts and perhaps some encouragement with the world...or whoever decides to read this.