don't.

I don't really have a thought of the day...

Beyond the fact that I am way in the mood to go to a concert or have one lined up for the next little bit of time.....I can't really find anything. Bum.

made it.

I made it through yesterday. It really wasn't that bad. I would have rather sat at "home" alone for the evening, but I went to dinner and it was fine. Being around people is good sometimes.

We had our first bit of snow last night. That was kinda nice and made it "feel" more like a holiday. Have you noticed the older you get the less the holidays "feel" like holidays. Really they are so mundane and full of work. One of these days in my life I want to make them "feel" like they once did.

I got "home" last night and wanted to watch a Christmas movie, but there were none on tv. I really wanted to watch "The Holiday" or "p.s. i love you". "p.s. i love you" is a sad movie. But I was in a kinda sad movie mood. I'm glad there was nothing around to watch. I didn't "need" it.
So I spoiled myself with a bubble bath and stay up late reading. It was good. Just what I needed I think.

One of these days I think the holidays will be different and what I need them to be, maybe. For now. Mundane. And I made it through yesterday.

ugh.

I just bought several worship songs on itunes. I haven't done that in a long time.
But I need it today. I need to rest in Him and find peace in Him.

I hate that today is Thanksgiving. I have nothing to complain about and so much to be thankful for and I am, for sure. My heart is overwhelmed with His goodness and hand in my life.

It's just a "bad skin day". I hate that I have to go put on a face for dinner today. I'll make it. I'll be ok. But getting out is good. I have had too much time alone already today.

You should go listen to "divine romance" by phil wickham. I swore I would never like that song. Today I do. I liked it yesterday too.

I am....

I love yoga. I love my yoga class. I think our instructor is one of the most fascinating women I have ever met. She is so encouraging, so knowledgeable of the human body, so eco friendly, such a hippy in the coolest of ways.

Last night as class began we started in easy pose. Breathing deep, letting go, opening up, preparing for the hour ahead of us. She then posed the idea of "I am." She wanted us to take the "I am" and finish it. To really take hold of that and let it sink it.

I am strong.
I am thankful.
I am beautiful.
I am open.
I am............

I filled that "I am" in with the first word that came to mind. Funny enough it wasn't steadfast (something I often claim). I'm not saying I'm there, steadfast. But that I realized something else, something different than the norm.

Can you do that? Can you finish "I am"? Because we are something. But do we believe it, claim it, let it sink in to the core of our beings? I don't think so. I don't. We are told enough. We don't think it of ourselves enough.

But.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You are loved.
You are chosen.
You are desired.
You are different.
You have inspired.
You add something to the world.
You changed my world.
You are...
I am....
Fill it in.
Hear it.
Claim it.
Say it.

state.

Oh my state of being these days. I don't actually think I could put it into words. So peculiar really.

I feel an extra bounce in my step. Perhaps that is happiness or joy (I hate the word joy. it sounds so fake). Life is much lighter presently than it has been in the past. I have less to think about and feel the free spirited side of me taking flight. I'm just living and that is so much lighter to hold on to. I don't feel the burden of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I can keep my chin up. And really there are so few tears to cry. I'm thankful for this. I don't think I have lived comfortably in this state, ever.

But in the same breath, I feel winter breathing down my neck. I want it to be snowy. I want to get snowed in so I can enjoy being home for a day or so. I want to hibernate like bear. I just feeling like settling in. I can't explain that nor does it make sense with the taking flight free spirited half of me currently.

But I know what I miss and what I really want to settle into. I know the comfortable I long for. But that doesn't matter today. Curiosity or the daily grind will push me. I will keep moving forward. And the state (of being that is) that I'm in will have to be ok for now.

I'm ok with that....today.

11.18.08

I had a dream, more than once, in fact several times, about 8 years ago that involved yesterdays date.

I have literally thought about the date that long. Every year it rolls around I wonder what the day will actually hold and why I held it close for so long.

Yesterday was it. No more waiting. And nothing. There was nothing special about the day. It was long and busy. I mean it was one of the most normal, mundane days of my life.

Kind of a bummer really. Slightly disappointing. But I guess sometimes dreams are just dreams, and that is all they will ever be.

off week.

I have kinda had an off week. I have felt so uncomfortable in a way that I can't describe.

"Bad Skin Day" by Bell X1 has kinda been the song that has stuck around for the week.

I have had so much on my mind I don't even know how to begin to outward process any of it.

I have been around a lot of people that have had people in their lives leave the world this week. My heart grieves for them. How does one handle that? I don't know. Living is a gift that we take for granted.

Being told your pretty makes a difference.
And most days need hugs.

I don't understand a lot, but there is so much more I do.

Our bodies are incredible. I love learning new things about the human body. I spend a lot of time on webmd. We have so much potential within us and so rarely are we brave enough to dig deep enough to step out.

This is the most I can come up with for now. I need sleep.

wind.

I was standing outside at work the other day and it was cold. I was super cold. Which is refreshing. I would always rather be cold than hot.

It was cloudy and gray so I was feeling most comfortable. Not to mention the screams and laughs of all my little second graders playing, it was music for the moment. Kids playing is music I think. So much joy, so raw, they don't have a care in the world and that is a beautiful song.

While standing there all bundled up, really counting the minute until I could go in a warm up, the wind blew. And yes I know it does that. But it sounded different. My coat zipped up tight and my body beginning to shiver, it rushed over me and that sound. I don't know what it was, but it stopped me.

You know in the summer the wind is playful and energetic. I love when it blows and moves my hair, reminding us of the playful season. To be free and let go of things.

The wind sounds different now. It is almost warning us to bundle up and prepare to be comfortable inside, chilling you to the very core of your being. It's closer, less wide open than summer wind.

I felt it the other day. Change. I think change is coming. Just like the wind changes so does our lives. Things were so stagnant for a bit of time for me. And now life is ever flowing, always changing. I don't know what to expect, nor do I want to know. I've never really liked surprises before, but I do right now.

Bring on the wind....just not too much. I like to keep my hair in order.:)

me too.

I think those are to of the most comforting, encouraging words to hear. To know your aren't alone. To know someone feels the same or has done the same or wants the same as you.

me too.

can't sleep.

I can't sleep. It's 3:30 a.m. and I have been awake for almost 22 hours. That is one long day.

I don't know what the deal is. Well, I do. My mind won't slow down tonight. I guess I could take a little something to help me sleep, but after sleeping last night without "drugs" for the first time in a few years, I feel a bit free. And don't want to turn back.

So here I am. I have no point, nothing in mind to write about. I haven't lately. I either feel totally uninspired or it is too much. More often than not it is too much, to raw, things that just don't need to leave my silly mind and making it into the crazy world of blogs.

Everything is so much right now. I can't explain. Or maybe it is so much cause I have been awake for so long....