can't believe.

I can't believe this year is over. It is so much to digest. It was a good year. One I think that will always be dear to me. I experienced a lot and went through so much. But holy cow it was all worth it.

I love the time I had at the beginning of this year without a job. It was hard to not be working, but I had so much time to figure "me" out. I think I had a breakdown every few days. I don't think I have cried that much in a really long time. I felt so vulnerable and broken. Like I was standing naked in front of a crowd. I had no idea how I was going to pay the bills or make it to my next little bit of work. But it cause me to trust and really let that free spirited side of me "fly" and not know what was going to happen. That was a reason for joy or to get me to the next day.

The summer was full of unexpectedness. It was just different and nothing I could have planned. I had a lot of play time in the midst of a small job to get me through. I can't even really put it to words. So much was going on it was so much to process, but none of it caused tears or chaos, like the months before. In fact I don't think I cried all summer. I couldn't I was numb, in the most feeling of ways, and tears weren't the way to process. I just went with it, knowing what I was getting myself into. By the end of summer I was walking in to a job I had wanted for a bit, but the timing was just now right.

I can't believe it is now the last day of the year. The fall and early winter flew. I feel into a routine fast and life was full of adventures. I don't understand beyond the grace of God how so much hate could grow into something mostly opposite.

I can't wait for the year to come. This year was a turning point. 2009 will be an adventure that I can't begin to plan. I don't totally know what life holds, but would it be any fun if I did? I can't wait. I'm ready to take it on.
Happy New Year!

words.

I love words. In every form. I love reading. I especially love song lyrics and the beauty of words is put to music. I need words, that is how I know you care. I need to hear it and see it written down. And that is how I want you to know I care, through my words.

Thinking back on my life over the last several years what I can recall the most is words. Conversations. Some of them so uplifting, life changing really. Others make me wonder if I will ever be able to forget the horrible things said, the amount of tears and self doubt they caused.

I want to change my words. I want to encourage more. I hesitate so much for fear of confrontation or what will be thought about me, so I just keep it all in. I hate that.

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive"
(jason mraz "you and I both")

anticipation.

Anticipation. Good or bad? I don't know. It is an interesting feeling for sure, one that you aren't sure you are content with or ready to crawl out of your own skin with.

I want to crawl out of my skin.

I wasn't really into Christmas this year. It was fine. I had a good time with my fam, had fun eating and giving/receiving gifts. But I just wasn't there. My mind and heart were elsewhere. I even had a hard time focusing on Jesus' birth. Yes I'm grateful for that and truly wish I could have let it sink in like years past.

I went to bed Christmas Eve with an anticipation and woke up Christmas morning with that feeling. It was that same feeling you get when you are a kid waiting on Santa. But that was not the cause of the feelings of anticipation. But it was the most "Christmasy" feeling I had over the holidays.

Oh the anticipation. I didn't get what I really wanted for Christmas, but it was an impossible gift that really only comes with waiting. I have no choice there, but that is ok.

It is just that feeling of what is to come that has got me this week. Life has changed a lot this year. I feel like everything is a new adventure of some sort. It is a lot to digest and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it this week. But all I want is for things to keep growing and changing. I have an anticipation for whatever the road ahead may have. I don't want to hit a stagnant point again. I can't do it. Not right now. And with as much as I want time to fly, I want to soak it in. That is what makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I'm not discontent. I have been there. This is different.

I'll be ok. Maybe not today. But I will be. Going back to work in 10 days will be good. I have too much time to think right now.

merry.

Oh Christmas. I think Christmas from here on out will always be different. They aren't the same and haven't been the same as when I was a kid in several years. Life is different now. Which makes Christmas different. I'm ok with that. It is a lot to take in a process. But exciting and new. I like new.

change.

Ugh.....I want to change the world. I want to do something big.

There are so many people in my life that have changed my world, that have added to my world, made a difference. Do I do that? Have I added to your world?

One day at a time. One thing at a time. All I can really do is keep breathing and pray the Creator will use me as a tool in His hand. For He is the reason I want to change the world or someones world.

break.

I need Christmas break. You have no idea. I don't know I made it through life before when I didn't have breaks. I feel like so many things are falling through the cracks cause all I have done is focused on the big important things in life. Such as...as social life or folding laundry? That is an easy decision.

I need time to think. I need time to take care of me and my surroundings. I need time for conversation. I need the time with my family and friends. I need time to read and write.

I'm a bit empty in the fullest of ways.

Plus a few weeks off are a great way to help time fly.:)

I don't know.

I don't really know what to write about. Life has been crazy and so much of it will stay in my mind for a bit. Oh the thinker I am.

I will say that life is full of learning. I feel like I'm stumbling into the great unknown. So much of life is untouched territory and each I step a bit more into that territory. I love the "lessons". I can't pin point them, but I know I'm learning and growing. You can't replace that.

I have to remind myself daily that I can't fix all the problems of the world. Nor can I hold them inside me. It is far to big of a burden to carry...

Crying is good for me. I need that release.

I wish time away often. But thinking back on the last bit of time that I wanted to go so quickly I wouldn't change it. I needed it. I'm learning from it and want it to be part of my life.

Oh the unknown. Sometimes I hate. Today I love it.

december.

I wrote this last December. It is fun to see change, the difference in life and who I am or have grown to be this year. So I thought I would share it....

"A long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last"..You know the Counting Crows song...I love that song. I remember listening to it when I was really young, carefree and riding in the car, singing along like I don't have care in the world. I feel like this song could be the theme to my life this December. It has been a long year.

I left the land of familiar this year. For so long I have tried to live what I thought was my passion. And it was for sure, for a time, but times change and so did my cravings.
I was stuck, but had to move on. I didn't understand it for a long time. I tried to turn and go back. But every door has shut. I have no choice but to keep moving forward. It is an awkward and uncomfortable journey. One I can't say I'm enjoying, but I don't hate it either.

I do feel lost. I have been challenged, inspired really, to pursue my dreams. Sadly I can't even think of what those things may be. I know what I want. And maybe those things are or always have been my dreams and I have never looked at them like that. I just thought they were to ordinary to be a "dream".

I'm a broken woman right now. I feel so vulnerable. I don't want to be an open book with anyone. And this may just be a time that I need to be.

I do know this, God is shaping me. Molding me to be who He needs me to be. He is holding me in the palm of His hand. And He has my life under control. He has a bigger dream for me than I could ever dream up. I just don't know what that looks like right now. But I'm ready. Moving forward. Out of familiar. Looking for change. Full of hope.

Maybe this coming year (08) will be better than the last (07).