grow me.

I love this time of year. There is something in the air that just warms my spirit. I love the cloudier days and the closeness you feel as the cool days of fall will soon bring snow. I love the change in the environment, it makes me desire change or maybe I just desire to settle into a fall routine, leaving the business of summer behind. One thing you can see change in the fall is the leaves. There is almost nothing quite as beautiful as the warm tones in the leaves. Bright yellows, vibrant reds, and deep oranges that you can't help but touch. And the sound of crackling leaves beneath your feet is a sweet reminder that winter is near.

I love looking at trees, all year really. Always growing, always changing in some way. So firm and strong. Providing shade in the summer, beautiful colors in the fall, empty branches perfect for Christmas lights in the winter, and sweet blossoms in the spring. What's not to love about trees? I want to be a tree.

I was thumbing through my almost complete journal last night. I landed at my first entry, which was last spring and then to a year ago today, before turning to the last few pages I have written.

"I think I'm on the brink of a new chapter...This one seems to be lingering, yet again nothing like I thought it would be....And now as spring is in full swing-even with our spring snow- I see change. I'm not gonna lie I'm scared for this chapter. My direction is changing and I have no clue where. Which is good because if I knew I would be to comfortable-and I'm sure God has a lesson for me....The point in it being-I trust God and I trust His plan. He knows me better than I know myself-I would be a fool not to follow. Steadfast I will strive to be and continuing on His path I will go. Making the most of every opportunity." (spring 07)

I hit a major low about a year ago. Too much of my life had slipped through the cracks. I was discontent, hurt, confused, and felt no one in the world would be there for me. It's funny how much your life can change in 6 months. I had to hit that low to get to a lower low this spring. I left my long time job and worked odd jobs for about 3 months. I didn't know who I was anymore nor did I like the person I had become. I just wanted time and it was the best. A time I will cherish for the rest of my life. Crying was my favorite past time, cause I didn't know what else to do. I had to let out all I held in. But in that I was able to dig deeper into myself to find a strength I never knew I had and I was able to really crawl to the feet of my Savior to fill whatever void in my life.

At the beginning of the summer I got my first tattoo. "Statheros"- which is Greek for steadfast on the top of my foot. For a few years that is what I feel God was calling me to-remaining steadfast, unswerving, coherent, firm, steady. And I wanted to mark that calling on my body. So that reminder is as close as my skin. I have no excuse that I "forgot", cause every time I look down I see that. "Steadfast", I remind myself, and quietly pray often.

I can't believe how much my life has changed yet again in the last six months. I feel like everything has changed, some of it unexpectedly, which I wrote about before. But the one thing remaining is the growth. I want to be like a tree. Always growing, always changing, but firm.
With Christ as my soil and my feet as the roots; I want to run as to get the prize.